Two days of soul-searching. Felt great.

(I wish I can do journal cuts here)



My dad's gone back again, but I think I like it this way. It makes us treasure these precious moments more and I like how we do heart-to-heart talks every single time, don't think our relationship would be the same if we were to face each other everyday, with quantity time but not quality time.

He's just like me - the way we think, the way we react to things and our emotions. All the same. Its great how he can acknowledge some of my "flawed" behaviours as influences from him. No, its not like blaming him for influencing me to think or do things some certain way, but its great that a dad can "lower" himself to a level to understand his child. & he's willing to work things out with me, together.

I told them about my worries about retaining - he said he didn't mind "raising me for another year". It sounds really easy to say, because alot of parents are able to accept their child no matter what. But on a personal level, it means alot to me and if you don't understand that feeling, I'm sure you would if something like that happens to you too.



& about retaining, I'm sure I'll still the cry the hell out of myself on that day itself, but don't worry I'll be fine. I'm speaking as though I'll get retained FOR SURE, lol. Don't get me wrong, I'll still choose to advance even if I were to barely scrape through, but if I don't. At least by finding out what I want and what I need to improve on NOW, I wouldn't have to feel so confused then (and end up making rash decisions).

Now I think I'm closer to understanding how retainees might feel. Alot of us'll simply go "of course his results are better than us lah, he's a retainee what, one more year of the whole syllabus leh", but its not that easy. If I were to adopt the same studying attitude like this year, I'm still bound to fail. It doesn't make a difference whether or not you have extra time if they're not quality time.

It takes lots of courage, guts, reflection, soul-searching and determination to excel after you've failed. I'm looking forward to that part.

The very thing making me :( now is the fear of losing my friends and having to adapt to a new environment again.
I guess that's everybody's biggest fear of retaining, right?




I know - I said alot of things right after my O'levels too, about how I'll work harder and all. But I haven't addressed the root of the problem then. I'm not sure if I've reached the stage of understanding myself thoroughly now. What I know is that I've understood more about myself and I am, in fact, a step closer.

I'm a person who hates doing things step by step - I like to be able to achieve the "close to perfection" stage on the first jump. In fact, what I always wanted was: if I want to do it, I have to do the best and most original that nobody's ever seen. If not, just don't do it. Weird, but that's how I see it.

I can't say "now, I won't do that anymore" because I'm sure the problem would still remain. But I hope it'll improve. & I'm still searching for that... that THING to rid me of these problems. Hopefully find most of it by the week?





My mom also told me how she noticed I don't really show my worry about the results or anything (when I really do).

Is that why people find me so carefree? I'm telling you right here right now that there's two sides of me most of the time. My dad says its difficult to find the balance but once you find it life'll be much happier. Hmm, but I like that carefree part of me anyway.

No, the two sides aren't "mean" and "not mean". Its something like quiet me vs noisy me, perfectionist me vs heck-care me, considerate me vs inconsiderate me.... and the list goes on. I see things according to the situation.

I told him I'm happy right now (yes I am). Satisfied, at least.




Sometimes I think males have the ability to think more rationally than females, is that what makes them male? haha. To those (females too la of course) who have played a part in bringing me to this stage in life (you know who you are), thankyou.

Especially to my brother and my dad, I need something more than just "thank you". I don't usually show my gratitude because I don't know how to, so I'm hoping you'll read this, bro. Its been a great year with you, how we've become so much closer as compared to the past, it makes me happy :)